Don't Touch My Coffee

I’m stewing.

I’m sitting in a coffee shop that I don’t want to be in. It’s Mom’s Morning Out, and last night, I checked Instagram to make sure that one of my favorite coffee shops in town would be open. I checked Maps this morning. It’s out of the way, but is probably the friendliest coffee shop in town. They talk to me, make me feel welcome, and compliment me on my clothes. They are kind.

And, they’re closed.

My relationship with coffee started when I was 13 and needed to write a late-night paper. I brewed a pot (not sure how I knew or even if it was good coffee. I’m sure it was Folgers) and have been drinking coffee since then. I remember when Starbucks was a pinnacle to achieve, sipping coffee slowly and enjoying the vibe. Then, I surrounded myself with local coffee shops. Unique and downhome, I felt more comforted in this space. I spent so much money. But, even there, I found a place that cared for me. This is rare. There are a lot of local coffee shops in town, but only one cared to know me by name.

And, I’m sad. Louisville was already feeling less like home, and today, it feels even less so. Yes, I’m sitting in a local coffee shop, but no one sees me. I am invisible again. Another order in the day. The yearning to be known deepens. And, the nest feels even more uncomfortable.

Yes, this sucks. But it’s also information. Louisville feels less like home. That is a sorrow in its own right. It also means that there is somewhere else that will feel more like home. I just need to find it.

This week, I listened to Evy Poumpouras on the Diary of a CEO. Her words about how you can’t change people are something I’ve been meditating on all week. There are situations, relationships, or experiences that I want to be different. And, they aren’t. They are what they are. So, do I face the truth of what I’m experiencing, or do I continue to try to change what isn’t mine to change? What I’m learning is that Life continues to tell me the truth about where I am. The people in my life, the government in place, the situations I find myself in, don’t lie. These entities may try to manipulate, gaslight, and coerce me, but they are always telling me the truth about who they are and what my experience will be.

It’s up to me to decide which roads I take, the situations I put myself in, the people I surround myself with, and even the coffee I drink.

The hard part is being in the middle, sitting in discomfort. Knowing that where I am isn’t where I want to be. I can’t snap my fingers and appear somewhere else. I have to recognize what I need to change to prepare for where I want to go.

What this looks like:

• Feel the feelings. I am sad, confused, and overwhelmed. All the emotions that exist in this experience matter. They provide valuable information and insight, even when they are uncomfortable.

• Embrace the suck. Yeah, I might feel out of place for a while, possibly years. It’s okay that this space is uncomfortable, because it will keep me moving forward. The discomfort keeps me awake and aware of what I need to be on the lookout for. This discomfort will push me to find home. It too is a guide.

• Look for the next step. This is the mundane part of the process. Next steps might look like picking out paint colors for the room that needs to be painted. Exercising throughout the week. Saving money to fix the outdated spaces in the house. It’s the day-to-day grind, and it’s the part that no one really celebrates.

• Celebrate, damn it. We are on a journey, and that is such a privilege. We are answering the call. We are choosing to grow and let the things that matter, matter. It’s hard and it calls for a raised glass. You’ll get that from me, my friend. I see you. I celebrate you.

It’s another day. Today, I received the news of a closed coffee shop. I mourn what it gave me. I accept the frustration of being in a place where I am once again invisible, even though I am wearing yellow pants. And, I choose to keep looking for home. It’s out there. I don’t know how I’ll get there. But I’ll get there.

And, so will you.

Cheers.

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Written with By the Light of the Moon | Gentle Celestial Ambience with Soft Piano playing in the background