What It Will Take

The following contains spoilers for the show “This is Us”.

It’s February. The snow is gone. January was a blessed respite. February seems to be flashing by. I’m not ready. I want to be still and reflect and be and breathe and take my time. February’s like, “Oh, that’s so cute! Oh look! Two more days are gone. Oops. Sorry about that.”

Speaking to some colleagues this week, one of them recommended making every month a Month of ____ (fill in the blank). January was my month of reflection. February and I will have to have a sit down and see what’s possible. I’d like to make it a month of one idea/goal/task/opportunity/feeling. We shall see. I’ll let you know how it goes.

One thing I have learned so far. Things are far more complicated than I thought they would be. I was naïve. I’m learning. Life still feels insane. I’m working through it. I say this because something else I’m learning is what Maya Angelou told us long ago.

Oprah Winfrey expounded on this quote from her book “What I Know for Sure”

We are constantly being revealed. And, as people reveal themselves, don’t try to make them something they are not, who you want them to be, believing what you want them to believe.

This is where love starts. Acceptance. Everyone is feeling lots of things. The first way we can love one another is to let the other person feel what they are feeling, without judgment or coercion. Creating space for someone to just be themselves will feel like such a relief. We need the space to process and the time to do it in.

Otherwise, we will be manipulated in a myriad of ways.

I think I’ve always known manipulation in one form or another.

I have memories of being manipulated as a child.

I remember sermons from the pulpit filled with manipulation, the apex on full display when the pastor would say something like “If you aren’t feeling [insert desired feeling] then there is something wrong with you”. I’ve heard this a lot over the years.

And, now we live in an age where anything digital* can be created to move and manipulate us. I see this from all sides. And, oddly enough, even if the intentions are good (oh, how shadowy intentions are), most people sound like the old preacher man I remember. If you aren’t feeling this, then [insert the desired blame, diagnosis, claim, complete ignorance of who you are or where you are in life].

Allow me to add another layer.

A friend of mine suggested the book “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents” and one section that struck me is that emotionally immature parents use “Emotional Coercion” to pass on feelings to their children that they themselves don’t want to deal with. This leaves the children unsure or confused about their own feelings because they’ve been made to feel more than they should in any give situation.

Welcome to my childhood.

Welcome to the current state of the world.

As Kristen Du Mez points out in “The projection of strength obscures the reality of weakness”, the goal of this administration is one of overwhelm. If we feel overwhelmed then we can’t act. We can’t move, can’t process, can’t decid. Oof, decisions. Most days I feel decisioned out and I’ve barely had time to eat my breakfast. Between the barrage of news and social media, our heads spin and eyes melt from the incessant scroll of doom. Information right now is the black hole that I don’t want to get close to.

So, how can we function? Can we make it? How do we walk through this avalanche of overwhelm?

Here are my thoughts. This is not a complete list. I’d love to here what’s helping you:

Make space for the truth to reveal itself: Here’s the thing. I don’t think that everyone who voted for Trump knew what they voted for. Some people absolutely did and as I’ve realized, they SO want to be right (again, believe them when they tell you who they are). And, there are others who thought they were doing the right thing based on the ideology of something Trump said he stood for. Many people are going to find their way in different places in the next four years. If you can, be someone that people can process their thoughts with. If they are willing to look at the truth and own the part they played and the choice they made (this goes for us too!!), there will be lots of good people at the table ready to make things better.

Not everyone will be able to come with you: I want it to be different, for you and for me. But, relationships will be lost because of the ideological divide. I mentioned my naïveté when watching Wild Robot. I was reminded of life’s complexity while watching This is Us. In the show, a family reunites with a family member that is lost and disconnected from everything. They work to provide him resources and help him find his way. He refuses. Even with resources, care offered, and arms open wide, he refuses. Not everyone will come with you. It’s hard, I know. I can sit with you here.

You don’t have to go in directions that you aren’t ready to go in: When Trump was first in office back in 2017, I felt the pull of the chaos and overwhelm and I didn’t know how to handle it I deactivated Facebook. I stopped writing. I became stuck because I took on emotions that weren’t mine to process. It’s taken me years to get here and I’m stronger now. But, I’m also not willing to go on every single emotional ride that is sitting across from me, be it in person or online.

You are not responsible for anyone’s emotions but your own.

Don’t take any media at face value: Allow yourself the time and the space to vet and process any type of media that is inflammatory (which feels like everything now but whatever). Check information against multiple sources. Shoot, vet your sources! We have to be smart. We can’t trust everything our eyes see.

Remember that people are working to overwhelm you and everybody else: Give yourself the time and space to make a decision on things that make sense to you. You don’t have to make a decision about everything (Okay, I really needed to hear that).

Surround yourself with people who will make the space for you to process. Be that person for someone else.

Be willing to admit when you make incorrect turns: We are all going to make decisions we aren’t happy about in the end. It’s okay. The mistake is not that we made the mistake. The mistake is when we won’t reflect on our actions and change when change is needed.

And, finally.

Dream. Dream big.

Sitting here writing, I had an image of Jesus and Peter out on the water. Jesus told Peter to come, so he walked, not only on water but through a storm. And, Peter was able to do that because he kept his eyes locked on who he loved and what he wanted. Keep your eyes locked on your future, your dreams, what you know to be true, your God.

You won’t know what’s possible until you try.

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Written with S A N C T U M - Beautiful Healing Meditation Music - Peaceful Ethereal Soundscape playing in the background.

* For more resources on how digital media can be altered and manipulated, I highly suggest the following podcasts:

• “We Can’t Trust Photos Anymore” by Today Explained

• “Breaking News” by Radiolab