It's Insane

It’s been a month. I’ve traveled between states, taking care of loved ones. I’m spread thin and maxed out. Thankfully, conditions are stable enough for me to come home and care for myself. I’ve been home for almost two weeks. I’m recovering. Life will give you a lot to think about in a month’s time. People you thought you knew reveal themselves in a new way. You understand things more clearly and become more baffled by what you now know. Life is life-ing - that is my new phrase. Because what you think you’re capable of will reveal what was never on your radar.

Dear reader, I’m keeping you in the dark on purpose. I can’t describe what I’m going through because I don’t think it’s appropriate. This won’t be the hot gossip you were hoping for, and if we part ways here, I get it. If you’re still reading, I’m glad you are here. Have a seat. I’m setting the table for everybody. We’re going to need anyone willing to sit in this space.

I made a therapist appointment. I’ve talked to friends. I’m eating more. I’m sleeping better despite the 4-5 cups of coffee I’m drinking daily (I know, I know, it’s on my list of things to take care of). But, I can’t get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach. I wake up with it. I sense it throughout the day, and go to bed with it at night. In the dark, I’ve learned the only thing I can do to get to sleep is to sit with the pain. Otherwise, I worry. The worry is maddening. So, I sit with the pain. I can see it extending from my head to my stomach in a long, straight line. It’s a wall with no way around it. I can only lean against it.

I’m at a crossroads again. Life has redefined a relationship and I have to figure out what to do with this information. It sucks. I thought I knew what would happen. But, I didn’t have the whole picture. If things are going to get better, if I am going to get better, I have to face the truth.

Jesus said the truth would set us free. He did not say that the truth would be easy.

The truth shows up in so many ways. Government decisions, interactions with loved ones, a line from a book, or an early morning thought. The thing about truth is that it is neutral. It is information previously unknown to us. When we see it, we have several options. First, we can choose to see it or dismiss it. That is the first crossroad. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, but it does give us the sense that we have more options. And, of course, we always have options. So, we try to process life while ignoring the truth. This is denial. This will drive us crazy.

Accepting it, though, doesn’t mean we clearly understand what it’s giving us. We still want control, so we twist the truth to make it more palatable and more useful in our current situation. But, the more we twist, the more we lose what’s true and the less power we have. This is where we lose control.

It’s only when we accept the truth at face value that we can move forward. We may not understand why Life chose to life the way it did or why people chose to make the choices they made, but we can now make decisions with all the information in front of us. I mentioned setting a table for everyone. Here is who I’m setting the table for.

Sadness - she will be here often, coming and going at no set schedule. Moving in and out, like weather or water. She deserves respect and time.

Fear - For me, fear and sadness sit together. They tend to get overprotective of each other, so I leave plenty of room for them. They need to talk. Open dialogue is crucial.

Regret - It’s on standby. I don’t regret anything, at this point, but Regret is ever watchful. Regret rarely sits down. A bit nervous, always hovering. Regret doesn’t want to miss any details.

Joy - Joy is the server in this situation. Is that weird? I don’t know. Joy knows that if we are going to get through this, there needs to be plenty of snacks, satire, blankets, drinks, and ridiculousness. Joy saves us by building the foundation of safety. I feel blessed in this respect.

Anger - Anger isn’t able to sit for long. She moves in and out. She doesn’t have words yet. She can only utter a few sentences. Mostly pacing back and forth. Too jittery still to articulate what’s happened.

Logic - God love it. It wants to see the patterns, to understand why, to know where we went wrong and why we ended up where we are.

And, in the midst of this, I work to stay in touch with a feeling of abundance:

We’ll be okay.We have what we need.What we need will show up. It always does.God will show up. They always have.

Like a ceiling fan hung over the table, abundance helps me breathe and keeps me going, sane, and steady.

With the table set, I can face the truth, and take the next steps. Facing the truth is hard.

It shows us…

how sick we are.

how much responsibility we are taking for others where we shouldn’t be.

that we’d rather be lied to. Getting well takes work. We don’t have to do what we won’t acknowledge. At least, that’s what we think.

what we’re losing out on.

what we can’t do.

what we can do.

that we are finite.

that we are capable of more than we thought we were.

how we are dying.

how we can live.

that there’s not much time.

that there is a season for everything.

we can’t do it all. Ever.

Life is insane. In speaking with one friend, in exasperation, I said, “It’s insane.” He replied, “Yes, it is insane. No matter how much you want things to make sense, it will continue to be insane.” This was comforting to me. I want to know where things went wrong and knowing that the world is so complex and that people make a million complex choices for reasons that will probably remain unknown, it’s okay to wrap it up and say “Yes, this is insane and I may never know the reasons why.” It’s okay to lay that need “to know why” down, at least for a moment. Old habits die hard.

The sick feeling in my stomach is still there. But, my table is set. The coffee pot is on. My therapist appointment is on the calendar. Dear friends and family send me dumb videos that make me laugh. I reciprocate the silliness. Joy, just doing her thing.

I hope that you are able to set your table as well. May you have all the things that help you on your journey.

Life will life when you least expect it. Cheers to the table and all the madness that circle around it.

Written with 528Hz | Heal Solar Plexus Chakra | Raise Self Confidence | Boost Positivity | Mandala SoundBath playing in the background.