I Believe! Help Me Un-Believe!

“What can I do for you today?”

My husband, Donovan, asked with absolute sincerity. A question out of the blue that caught me off guard. I spend most of my days, if not all, entirely dependent on myself. Other than opening the occasional jar or needing a reach for the top shelf, I don’t ask Donovan for much. It’s not that I think he won’t help me. It’s that I don’t think to ask. When he offered this, I didn’t know what to give him. I want to tell you that I thought of something eventually, but I didn’t. The day came and went. His question remains unanswered.

You have not because you ask not. 

I’ve spent time this past week thinking about belief and un-belief. For so long, I’ve believed many things about myself. Things that I think I deserved or didn’t. Things that I was capable of or not. This week, I took a step of faith and got braces as an adult. As a child, I always wanted braces. As an adult, Donovan and I decided it was time. And, now, there are literally thousands of dollars sitting in my mouth.

What does that say about my worth and my value? Did the choice to invest in myself mean I am taking away something from other people who needed it more? What is the value of investing in myself?

Growing up, I received lots of mixed messages about possessions and money. Messages that were both conflicting and confusing. The foundation was built on scarcity, and now that I think about it, appearances.

• Giving to God meant giving to the church only

• Spending money on yourself means you aren’t thinking of others

• If you decided to invest in yourself, that meant you weren’t investing in others

• You should have nice things

• Don’t be materialistic

• You’re taste is too expensive

• You should be willing to give away anything you own to someone who needs it

• Having nice clothes means you aren’t focused on your character

• Dress your best (which is kind of hard if you don’t have nice clothes)

Dualistic, binary, and either/or. Either you were giving to God, or you weren’t. At every moment of every day, you had a choice. And your character was defined by every single choice that you made. These were confusing times. I felt guilty about lots of different things.

I still hear those voices today. For a long time, I felt very conflicted about wanting braces. “I shouldn’t need to want straight teeth. It’s how I walk in the world that matters”. I tried taking that path for a really long time. Until I got tired. Some roads are too exhausting. You can walk a long time in a direction until you realize what’s advertised is not the actual destination.

Sitting here, I realize that many of the roads I was told to go down were actually circles. They are built long enough, stretched out to make it difficult to notice, and it’s hard to tell that you aren’t going anywhere. I kept looking to the people around me, checking in, “Is this the right way?” Oh yeah, they’d reply. “Just keep going.” Peace was just around the corner.

Except it wasn’t. The promised result never materialized. Even the rules of the road would change. Take the belief, “Wait on the Lord”. I heard that one a lot. Pray and wait. Except the waiting turned into more waiting. Nothing changed. I walked that path far longer than necessary. Until I got tired and decided that any direction was better than being on a road where nothing happened.

I’m on my own path now. I’m questioning beliefs, questioning what’s real. Letting go of what doesn’t work (no matter who says it should) and seeing what actually does.

Wow, do I feel that. In my faith upbringing, we weren’t taught to test. We were taught to believe and to follow. If anyone in authority said it, better step to it, as long as it was in line with the agenda specific authorities had in mind.

I believe. Help my unbelief.

I’ve prayed that prayer, but after getting my braces, I’m viewing unbelief a little differently.

I love this moment with Jesus and this father. He’s open, willing to help his son at any cost, admitting what he believes, and at the same time, knowing that not all his beliefs aren’t in line with what’s possible. But, did you catch that? The father asks, “Jesus, are you able?” and Jesus replies, “If you are able!”. Jesus knows he’s able. And, he’s telling the father, “Hey, you can do this too! This isn’t just me. This is the two of us. We are going to do this together.”

During a walk this week, I thought about my beliefs, what I’d been taught, and what I’d picked up while sitting close to the adult conversations swirling around me. I thought about the father’s cry, “I believe, help my unbelief”. I think that sometimes, instead of believing in something more, I need to un-believe what isn’t true. If I’m going to walk the road I’m supposed to, I can’t keep strengthening the parts that are already working; I need to replace what’s been broken. That means acknowledging the beliefs that aren’t valid, taking paths that don’t lead where people say they will, and staying in relationships that keep me isolated from the community I was meant to have. It means facing the truth about where I need to go and what I need to do. And, making sure I have what I need for the journey.

If I were going to unbelieve a few things, it would be:

Bloom where you are planted

Do more with less

Rich people are terrible

Wait on the Lord (in the context that it’s typically taught)

You should be content

You should be grateful

I know God is able. I want to see if I’m able. When I got my braces, I thought about how I have no idea what I will look like with straight teeth. I cannot envision it. But I’ve seen the results in others. A professional puts metal in someone’s mouth, and given plenty of time, their smile is changed forever. The results are as advertised. And, adults look adorable in braces!! It was my step of faith. I can’t see it, but I want to see what it looks like. I’m making the opportunity for something different to happen.

When Donovan asked me what he could do for me, he helped me realize that my imagination isn’t big enough. It’s an opportunity to expand what’s possible. I don’t have to do it alone. Maybe that’s the biggest belief I need to un-believe:

You don’t have to do this by yourself

(Donovan, I’ll keep thinking!)

Why am I talking about wanting things that seem out of reach, right now, when so many things feel confusing and on fire? Because I have lived long enough under the shadow of influences that make life a living hell. I’m doing this because I want you to know that you can do this too. You can decide what kind of world you want to live in. I’m not walking blindly in the face of pain and strife that people are experiencing. I’m choosing to create what I want to see in the world, for me and anyone else in my orbit. God is able. Let’s find out how able we are.

Dreaming never makes sense. The days are evil. Make the most of your time. I’m working right beside you.

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Written with silence playing in the background