Hold On and Keep Breathing

I hate caves. I failed to mention that in my last post. I experience deep fears of getting lost. There are a million things that could go wrong. Flashlights might go out. You get separated from your team. You take a wrong turn. You might let go of the string that connects you back to the outside world. It’s so frightening. I don’t go caving as an adult.

I feel the same way about the ocean. I LOVE the ocean. It’s a completely different world. One we can’t handle without the proper equipment. I’m afraid of drowning, losing air, losing my way. I hear stories of divers getting disoriented or damaged by air getting trapped in their spinal cord. All nightmare scenarios to me.

And, I know that beautiful things exist in caves, deep in the underground. Life abounds in the ocean. There is so much of the ocean we don’t understand and so much to be discovered. And, I know (when I’m not gripped by fear) that if you have the right tools and the skillset to travel these strange and glorious places, you’ll find things you never imagined. All magic and glory and wonder. The gifts are endless. And, you can’t go in blindly or with arrogance.

I feel the same way with my writing. I won’t lie to you. Piecing my understanding of what happened to me and my family feels achingly slow. There’s life to live in the meantime and that comes first. And, while I’m living life, I also live with the ache and curiosity of why things are the way they are. Why I’ve never felt good enough and why Christianity feels so terribly closed off to some people. If it’s a gospel for all, why is it that the doors are slammed in the face to some, and why, even though they try, others don’t find the acceptance they were hoping for?

So, how am I preparing myself? I know I need the right gear. But, what does that mean when the endeavor is discovery of the heart, mind, and soul?

Here’s what I can tell you so far. I’m sure it’s not enough. But, maybe it’s enough to start.

Surround yourself with people that believe you

Growing up, there wasn’t much listening in my house. Or, if someone was listening, they were listening with an agenda. If I said that light hurt my eyes, I was told to stop whining. As an adult, I learned that my pupils are larger than most peoples. So, literally, I take in more light than most people. I can see fine. But, aggressive lights hurt. As a child, I wasn’t whining. I was in pain and people weren’t listening. Surround yourself with people who are curious about you and what you are experiencing. This includes medical professionals. They can help you realize that no, you aren’t crazy. You’re just experiencing the world differently.

Surround yourself with people that will challenge you

Get out of the void. Get out of the vacuum. Social media is great for finding people who share the same interests as you do. Social media is also great for siloing you from information that could be helpful if it doesn’t interest you. This will color your world in extensive ways and keep you from seeing other facts about your life that you may not be able to see. As long as your community fits in the first category, they can have any background, be on any political spectrum or religious (or non-religious) flavor. You need to be exposed to lots of different kinds of experiences in order to see your own more accurately.

Create space for yourself

Whatever this looks like for you is what you need to create. For me, it’s getting away once a month and spending the time in a space that fills me. It’s getting out in nature and listening to my thoughts. It’s driving without music or listening to the news. It’s going to bed early. It’s setting boundaries with my family and letting them know when I don’t have more to give for the day. Listen to your body and take care of it. The journey ahead is not easy and very long and you will need the stamina and the patience it takes to get there.

Be open for surprises

The other night, at Book Club, while discussing Little Women (a book I could care less about) someone mentioned the book “Pilgrim’s Progress” and I almost turned into vapor. I’d forgotten how important that book was to my family. I’m sure I read the book and I’m pretty sure we had the movie. This jogged my memory enough to remember a few of the books that were in my house, books that had an effect but what kind, I’m not sure. I put the books on hold at the library the next. It could mean everything or nothing but I won’t know until I go down that path. Be open to the things that trigger you, piques your curiosity, or causes you to catch your breath. There’s something there. Go find it.

Keep Living. That’s your first priority

Bills need to be paid. Kids need to be loved. Dogs need to be walked. The house still needs my attention. It’s much harder to do this work when I’m ignoring the important things. Keep eating, continue loving, find work that supports you and that is not terribly stressful. Find what works to create the stability you need. You’re going to need a lot of it.

Have fun

Is this a dumb suggestion? Maybe. But, you need joy. Joy is the food that feeds you. Because here’s the thing you have to remember - all the toxic systems, beliefs, governments, leaders, and ideas can’t remove beauty and love from the earth. Wisdom was here first. That’s what the world was built on. So, anytime you think that the world is a waste, remember that it was created in goodness. All the horrible acts that humans have done to themselves and each other cannot remove the wonder that exists, either on the planet or in ourselves.

I love you, friend. I want to do this well and I will do my best. What gear do you strap on when doing any good work? I would love to know. Please share it with me.

Written with Teravibe’s “Ocean in the Submarine” playing in the background